I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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