Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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