How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
