it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
