All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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