when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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