walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
