____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
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hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
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i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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