I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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