I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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