Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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