dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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