The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
