Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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