..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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