Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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