we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
