i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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