I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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