I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
