I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
