Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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