I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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