I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
