I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
