the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Im part way to drunk.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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