And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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