Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
