Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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