Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
