Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
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I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
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Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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