she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He shit in the fireplace
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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