I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
