In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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