I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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