How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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