The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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