he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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