Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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