Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
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Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
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my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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