Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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