Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
