i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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