my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
