Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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