So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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