she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
