Will you blow on my dice?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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