we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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