u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
