"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
