Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
