This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
