I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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