Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
