he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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