I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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