tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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