i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just want nice things and good sex
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
