Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
