I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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