After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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