forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!