My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?