Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome