We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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