Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just threw up on my dentist
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
